Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4: 7-10)
It was an odd day. Good Fridays are often hard to get a handle on. Probably rightly so. Coming to the end of a week of our community devoting itself to prayer creates a sense of winding down. A hard night with kids not sleeping depleted us as well. Wrestling with the goodness of the cross making a way for us to enter in mixed in with the sacrifice of Jesus was tiring.
I found myself blue and restless for most of the day. Unable to do much beyond watching the kids while Jenn worked, taking care of some correspondence, visiting with a couple people and straightening, I found myself unable to shake the gloom. Having signed up for a middle of the night prayer slot, I felt the droop of another night with less sleep. I went into the week thinking about fasting from sleep as a way to prepare myself for the weekend. But now in reality, I simply wanted to sleep in (which hasn't happened so far in 11 years of kids).
The idea of resting continually in God's presence was in my mind, but my heart was not convinced.
I went to bed and woke up with a sneezing attack at 1a. Unable to fall asleep again, I went back to C. Baxter Kruger's The Undoing of Adam. Reading his view, that the Trinity was not taken by surprise by Good Friday. They knew this was part of the process to bring us into their circle of fellowship. And my head started to get a little more of a handle on the Good of Good Friday.
But I was still frustrated by my sleeplessness. In my A.D.D. reading habits, I went to the book of James because I remember a friend telling me his simple church was reading it. Thumbing to chapter four, I experienced the power of His word as I let His Scripture speak to my reality.
Submit myself to God. In the middle of a sleepless night, keeping one's prayer appointment with God doesn't seem sensical. But I did.
Resisting the Devil seemed unclear. But this made me wonder about what the Accuser was doing to deceive me in my tired state. It made me think that sleeping, in this case, might not be the move of wisdom.
Come near to God. So I did. I kept my appointment with God. And it wasn't any time of blinding revelation. I read a little more of Kruger. I talked to God about what I was reading. I listened to Crowder singing "We Win."
And I felt the Devil flee from me.
Humbling myself, I acknowledged that I brought nothing to this week. It has been and always is the Holy Spirit, all week, moving people toward repentance, convicting people about baptism on Sunday, opening up doors for the Kingdom of God to enter in, planting dreams of prayer communities.
And so God provides His word at just the right moment, for a double minded sinner like me. And I bless His name as I wait for Sunday to come. And the song still echoes, "we have already won."
May we all place ourselves in the hands of the one who will lift us up.
::tony::