stockbridge boiler room

more than principles and ideals

hello, my name is brooke. this is the first time i've written in this space, but most likely you've read my name here before. in posts like this and this. that's because i've been around this place -- with the exception of a 1.5 year break in which i moved to Madison and got married -- for about 4 years now. i was an intern at first, and now i've come back, along with my husband, as one of the hunkering-down-staying-in-it-for-the-long-haul leaders. i'm ridiculously grateful that Papa saw fit to make this community my people, this neighborhood my home, and these neighbors my mission field. 

i'm writing this post while all the rest of us are at the 5th Street Hall serving up a Love Feast to over 100 neighbors who have, by God's grace, come to think of one another as some sort of family, some sort of church. even though part of my role here is to organize those love feasts and coordinate volunteers, i don't actually get to attend the feasts so often these days (gratefully, we have danmike and emily and charis and jordan and cam and roseann and others to pick up that work). and the reason i'm not there is because i have this little daughter, you see, and she's only four and a half months old, which means that she naps three times a day, nurses every few hours and goes to bed really early, all of which adds up to making me rather home-bound -- keeping house and working from home while she sleeps, sitting while she nurses, and venturing out for brief jaunts during her wakeful periods. 

this staying home with a sleeping, nursing baby rather than jumping in on the daily rhythms and work of the boiler room is sacrificial obedience for me right now. the boiler room work is much more colorful in many ways and has more of the dramatic highs and lows that i happen to enjoy. and lots of times i've felt a bit ashamed of my absence from these things that used to be so central to the shape of my days and my weeks. (seems a little silly to call yourself a leader and then to seldom be around). but...

well, this is what i feel God's giving me to write about today: that it is far more important to be obedient to His instructions than to adhere to principles or ideals. even very good principles and the most beautiful ideals need to bow in submission to the here-and-now living word of God. or else they are idols. 

that's abstract, but what i mean is that in my own life, quitting a career, getting rid of my things, moving into an impoverished/addicted/violent neighborhood, and getting my hands dirty in the work of loving it... well, that's become an idealized principle of Christian living. you know, it's the way that you're "supposed to" live your life if you really love Jesus. and perhaps i'd developed a bit of pride in the fact that i was living according to that ideal, to that principle of kingdom life. 

but then i gave birth to a daughter named hazel june (oh, she's so sweet, you wouldn't even believe it!), and she requires my attentive love in a round-the-clock kind of way that i guess i had to experience to believe. so these last four months Papa has been whispering in my ear and working His open-heart surgery on my insides, all to beckon me to say a full "yes" to motherhood; to let it be my job, not a side gig that fits into the cracks of that lovely, principled, idealized life i'd been trying to live. so i'm choosing to be obedient. but i tell you what, that ideal life dies hard. i haven't been letting it go without a fight. 

but He's always after our hearts, i'm finding. more than the noteworthy, unique, sacrificial things we "do for the Kingdom"... He wants hearts that are yielded to Him, the Living God, more than are dedicated to scriptural principles and beautiful ideals. 

i'm not the only one being taught this around here these days.

danmike is learning that even if he generally thought a college education was a bad idea, when Jesus invites him to pursue it in this new season, he'd better be ready to say yes. 

jenn is learning things that overlap heavily with what i've just written here. (you may remember?)

emily is choosing to be deliberate and to walk slowly in regards to a deep desire of her heart, even though i suspect her ideal would be to move quite quickly in the direction of her heart's desire. 

....

but here i am. i'll write from time to time. i'll be the one praying from my living room while the others are in the prayer garage, delegating love feast work, keeping the books, being a support and sounding board to tim and danmike and tony as they lead, and prayerfully carrying the weight of this work in my heart. when i'm not mothering hazel, that is. :)

::brooke::

 

this is what obedience looks like for me

 

last month i wrote about empty wells and how i've struggled to be a missionary and a mother in this neighborhood, both. how hard it is to pour oneself out so much that you become empty. how important it is to do so. and how in the world, when there's nothing at the bottom of the well, to get filled again .

last month i had no answers. i could only turn to Jesus and trust Him. 

and in my turning, He spoke to me through a few wise folk who have been disciples of his for a long time and who have seen much more of these drought cycles than i have, who are not surprised or alarmed by periods of dry. 

and they said that it was my calling to pour into a small group of people, pour everything in them that i have, minister to them whether i like them or not, take the gospel to them each day, and spend myself on their behalf. because when those men and women, who happen now to be quite small and quite needy, when they grow up and we've gotten through -- by the grace of God -- who knows how many years of homeschool, and they leave this house, they will make families of their own, accept vocations of their own and make choices that either bring people closer to Jesus or move them further away from him, and how all of that plays out is deeply influenced by what those who raise them believe and value and love.

so my job is to live out, with as much grace and patience and thankfulness as i can, this call to minister and teach and disciple: them.

and each of these five has a quite distinct personality and things that make them tick. attending to their spiritual and intellectual and emotional growth is work enough. that, and being a helper to the abbot. more than enough.

 and on the days when i remind myself of that and hold that truth in front of me, it really is enough. 

when i don't, guilt floods me for all the sweet people i'm missing by not being at the boiler room, not discipling, not walking the neighborhood and talking to. guilt and a keen sense that i miss that good work. so very much.

then it's time to remind myself that this work with these children and this abbot is good also. it's just not very sexy, to be honest. which is just fine. because i've also come to recognize a hubris i had about this life we have lived in the past.

i juggled many balls, and not many fell. and i was proud of that.

now i realize that God gave me a ridiculous amount of energy and stamina, and it was only by his grace that i did not collapse or break down under the weight of it all. and in this season he's teaching me how to put those balls down and let them roll away to others who can keep them up in the air better than i can. 

it's about time. 

so welcome to a new season of transition in which the abbot works with danmike (not his real name) and tim and brooke, and sometimes, but usually not, me, to run and dream and juggle this vision, this place, this ministry, this extended family. 

we are inviting other voices into this space. i think you'll enjoy.

::jenn::