this is what obedience looks like for me

 

last month i wrote about empty wells and how i've struggled to be a missionary and a mother in this neighborhood, both. how hard it is to pour oneself out so much that you become empty. how important it is to do so. and how in the world, when there's nothing at the bottom of the well, to get filled again .

last month i had no answers. i could only turn to Jesus and trust Him. 

and in my turning, He spoke to me through a few wise folk who have been disciples of his for a long time and who have seen much more of these drought cycles than i have, who are not surprised or alarmed by periods of dry. 

and they said that it was my calling to pour into a small group of people, pour everything in them that i have, minister to them whether i like them or not, take the gospel to them each day, and spend myself on their behalf. because when those men and women, who happen now to be quite small and quite needy, when they grow up and we've gotten through -- by the grace of God -- who knows how many years of homeschool, and they leave this house, they will make families of their own, accept vocations of their own and make choices that either bring people closer to Jesus or move them further away from him, and how all of that plays out is deeply influenced by what those who raise them believe and value and love.

so my job is to live out, with as much grace and patience and thankfulness as i can, this call to minister and teach and disciple: them.

and each of these five has a quite distinct personality and things that make them tick. attending to their spiritual and intellectual and emotional growth is work enough. that, and being a helper to the abbot. more than enough.

 and on the days when i remind myself of that and hold that truth in front of me, it really is enough. 

when i don't, guilt floods me for all the sweet people i'm missing by not being at the boiler room, not discipling, not walking the neighborhood and talking to. guilt and a keen sense that i miss that good work. so very much.

then it's time to remind myself that this work with these children and this abbot is good also. it's just not very sexy, to be honest. which is just fine. because i've also come to recognize a hubris i had about this life we have lived in the past.

i juggled many balls, and not many fell. and i was proud of that.

now i realize that God gave me a ridiculous amount of energy and stamina, and it was only by his grace that i did not collapse or break down under the weight of it all. and in this season he's teaching me how to put those balls down and let them roll away to others who can keep them up in the air better than i can. 

it's about time. 

so welcome to a new season of transition in which the abbot works with danmike (not his real name) and tim and brooke, and sometimes, but usually not, me, to run and dream and juggle this vision, this place, this ministry, this extended family. 

we are inviting other voices into this space. i think you'll enjoy.

::jenn::

 

Comments

[Susan De Graaf]

It sounds like you found yourself right at the end of God's grace. I praise Him that you realize you are right where He wants you to be, doing the sometimes hard, and thankless work of being a wife and mother. You do both so well, and this season of laying balls down will be good too, so very good. I continue to marvel at who you are. .

love you deep